dragon_priestes

Just about 30 minutes ago I woke up from a dream that I decided I would share with you. The dream struck me although I'm not sure in what way.

Just to preface, this is a love"ish" dream. Now, I don't have love dreams often however the other person is hardly ever anyone I know and I've only had one other one that struck me. That one was about a blonde man (I never caught his name) that I met at a ski resort. He was a waiter in the restaurant there and he gave me three small presents. One of the presents was a dream catcher another was a crystal and I don't remember what the last one was. He gave them all to me at the same time as he came up to the table I was seated at. When I looked up at him after eyeing the presents, he had a look of pure love and the connection was instant. In the dream I knew he was "the one". Now, I don't even like blondes but there you have it. The place and his face were extremely vivid. I can still see them now after 7 or 8 years and I still have never seen either in my waking life.

Now the dream I had last night was about someone I know but I can't figure out who he was. He kept changing into different people that I know in this life. The beginning of the dream was the only moment we were alone and it was a scene of us becoming intimate for the first time. Throughout the rest of the dream we were in public, naked, with a sheet around us. There was no shame for either of us about being naked in front of everyone and people would talk to us as though it was a natural thing to see us wrapped up together in this sheet. From the moment we were with people, things started happening for them. Magical things. I

n one scene a woman was on this strange contraptions which had five levers, pretty far apart. This woman was meant to push down all five levers at once (a seemingly impossible feat) and if she didn't attain this goal something terrible would happen to her. As soon as this man and I, in our sheet, came upon this contraption and I touched the side of this machine, all five of the levers went down without any physical aide. She showed us an extreme amount of gratitude for having helped her.

In the next scene a man had what looked like a magician's trick box. He was trying to pull a sculpture made of legos out of this box in a specific design but it kept coming out all wrong. As soon as we came upon him and I put my hand in the box, I pulled out the lego sculpture in perfect order. Again, the gratefulness was exorbitant.

In the third scene my sheet-mate and I sat down and he recorded this amazing poem for a presidential candidate who was trying but couldn't quite word it the way he envisioned it. My sheet-mate's recording won him the election.

In another scene, the parents of one of the children in my daughter's class were having marital problems and the moment we arrived their problems were solved. They fell in love all over again.

Muses come to mind...

There was such an amazing and magical connection between me and this man that I became overwhelmed with love for him. However, at the end of the dream he was telling me that although we spread this magic to everyone we came in contact with, he didn't feel that we had any between us and he was unhappy.

I woke up during this conversation in which I'm fairly certain he was ending our fascinating involvement.

A little background: I was in a relationship which ended a little over a year ago. Since then I have had no desire for relationships at all. I've always been very free spirited and find that I feel trapped in relationships. I always end up feeling like I'm a bird that chooses to be caged for love but inevitably feels the need to fly away. My struggle has always been in finding someone who will fly with me. I'm clear that maybe feeling caged is just my perception but it feels so real... As a result of my anti-relationship phase, I have had many wonderful and beautiful sex dreams about many different amazing people but no love dreams until last night. This love"ish" dream brought me in touch again with how wonderful love can feel and yet one question always comes back to me, "Is it worth it"?

There you have it. Tell me, what does it all mean?

Okay, so can I just say how much I don't like having to be the agressor. The last two guys I was with would never initiate sex. What the fuck is that all about? I began to dispise having to always be the agressor. Now I'm sleeping with someone who hates the fact that he always has to be the agressor. It's a vicious cycle.

Last night he WAITED for me to initiate sex and when I didn't he fell asleep - only to wake me up at 5am initiating sex but I was too tired then! He said he hadn't been in the space of being affectionate - he had wanted me to be affectionate. All I can say to that is - turned off now, thank you! Dude, I just want a man who shows affection when he feels affectionate. I don't want to always be the one leading up to sex. He's turning into that now. I am agressive sometimes but I'm a fuckin' woman - I wanna feel like a fuckin' woman! Call me zany but I don't feel like a woman if I have to start caressing and petting a man in order to get fuckin' laid!


Alright I think I feel a little better now...

So, I'm lonely. I enjoy being single for the most part but right now - not so much. I just found out that yet another of the men I used to date got married! What the fuck?? Is that like the story of my life now? Why is it that they always get married to someone else right after me?? Okay, so I'm exagerating but that has happened a few times now. Irritating. Why do I make that mean something about me and my lack of whatever the fuck!?

Anyway, I'm sad today... Today is a "there's something wrong with me" kinda day...

I had this dream last night which was really bizarre. There was this man who looked strangly like that actor (I can't remember his name) that has been in a few things one of which is Shanghai Knights and Meet the Parents. He has blonde hair...
Anyway, we were at his house and there was this really pretty woman who was talking to me and it turned out she was pregnant with his baby. The baby was of another planet as was the father. He had asked her to bear his male child because she contained something in her body he wanted his baby to have. But, he wanted to marry me!!! Wierd!!!! Do you think it means anything?????

On another note therapy went really well yesterday and I think I'm definitely on the road to getting rid of these God forsaken panic attacks!!!

So, I'm tired! Every weekend I stay up really late just to get the most out of it. Of course what I really want the most of is rest but, somehow I don't think I'll be rested unless I stay up and "actively" rest all weekend. Now, this has become a pattern that I never seem to learn from - I obsessively keep right on thinking that if I just stay awake and "rest" that at some point I'll feel like I got the most rest out of my weekend possible. I swear I'm disturbed!

I have recently gotten back in touch with a friend from highschool (actually a couple of them) Now, mind you, in my life high school is very much better off forgotten but nevertheless... Now, one of them is married with two children. He writes in one of his emails, "You never forget the woman who liberated you from virginity!" Now, although I'd love to see him (he was a very good friend) and meet his family - if that is the first thing he remembers about me I'm not sure his wife is going to be able to meet me with a clear and untainted mind. Of course, anyone who meets me with the knowlege of how I was in high school is already tainted against me - but we can always hope, right?

For me, I remember the actual person. I hardly ever remember what we did together. Most people are shocked that half the time (if it's been long enough) I don't remember whether I had sex with them or not because to me it's irrelevant. The person is what stands out to me - not the memories. I've always beaten myself up about not remembering details which to this civilization are HUGE. I'm starting to wonder if maybe that's a gift! If I can remember the energy of a person or their essence as I feel it, then why should I have to remember whether or not we fucked. Okay, this all just sounds like I'm making excuses for myself (but I'm standing by that, dammit)!